“And so we return to our weekly film round-up. A slightly delayed return, we guess, but with studios now mostly interested in revving up towards the Oscars with the films they’ve already released, there’s very little happening in January.”

A week of forgettable films leads to a sadly forgettable column…

“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. This is absolutely our pick of the season as the film we could not care less to see. The original story by F. Scott Fitzgerald was, if anything, a literary exercise more than a narrative, and while you can normally expand a science fiction short story into something (just add explosions!), forcing a tragic story of lost love onto this just strikes us as insincere, especially when it includes one of the most insincere actors we can think of (the awful Cate Blanchett, who may as well play every role wearing a sandwich board that says ‘LOOK AT HOW WELL I AM ACTING’).”

I despise Cate Blanchett; people are usually quick to jump to her defence, and I know why, but I still think they’re suckers.

“Eye Weekly made up for it by linking to the fight scene from They Live in the middle of their article, so you win some and you lose some. It is the best fight scene ever, isn’t it?”

Said fight scene. It’s best in context, of course.

“Another bad Punisher film is just depressing. But we must send out special thanks to Bryan Lee O’Malley (or at least, his Twitter persona) for pointing out this jewel of a quote from Roger Ebert concerning the film: ‘It’s the kind of violence the president should fly over in Air Force One and regard sadly through the window.’”

I’ve really “got into” Twitter. I don’t post that much, but I’m pretty addicted to reading what others are up to.

“Australia! It’s a big country, and to be terrifically unfair and dismissive we’ll be honest and say until recently it hadn’t given us very much. Off the top of our head, we thank it for inspiring an enjoyable episode of The Simpsons, a couple of 2000 AD stories (Oz and Song of the Surfer), and, uh…”

I talked about Australia in this article merely as an excuse to rave about the superb Summer Heights High.

“So here’s the most interesting fact that we thought we could start this article off with: depressingly awful-sounding holiday comedy Four Christmases was directed by Seth Gordon, the man behind excellent-if-not-entirely-honest documentary King of Kong. Isn’t that weird? Why would that be the next thing you did?”

A short Film Friday today, but a Billy Bragg reference, so it’s all okay.

“Someone recently told us they were giving their friends two reviews of films they’d recently seen—their opinion and then the ‘Torontoist’ opinion, where they were ecstatic about any success, but resolutely unforgiving to even the smallest flaw. They were making a point—they liked Burn After Reading—but in a way they’re kind of correct.”

This is a true anecdote.

“Does it ever feel like Paul Rudd should be more famous than he is? Most people probably sort-of recognize him and think, “Oh yeah, that guy… he was good in… that film,” but put no more thought into it. But generally, as “that guy” in “that film” he is very good, indeed! Plus he loves Super Nintendo!”

Ah, YouTube, how you have changed the world. With a few keystrokes and a couple of clicks I can see Paul Rudd playing Super Nintendo or Matt Le Blanc eating ketchup. No longer do I have to rely on you, “Before They Were Famous” TV specials!

“By far the most terrifying film to reach cinemas this week? Well it has to be Filth and Wisdom, because it’s was directed by, and steel yourselves, poor readers… Madonna! Yes, not only was she intent to stink up our screens with her odious acting, she had to go one further! It gets worse, though, because she roped Gogol Bordello’s Eugene Hutz into playing a role sure to drive anyone to madness—the wacky foreign person who sounds a bit like Borat yet will reveal to you hidden truths about life and stuff and things!”

Halloween!

“Anyway, who cares about our impending financial doom? We’ve got a joke about a celebrity. It’s about Angelina Jolie! The joke is that she’s in the film Changeling, where she plays a woman who embarks on a quest to find her missing child after the LAPD bring her back the wrong one—but who ever heard of Angelina Jolie turning down a free child, right? Cue laughter, applause, etc.”

Another Friday happens, another column posted.