“Even though I wasn’t born until nearly 40 years after the end of World War II, whenever I hear the Colonel Bogey March I can’t help but sing the song about how Hitler’s only got one ball. And I wonder, does it still have any resonance with the younger generation? Do they recognise it? Is it still sung in playgrounds, or would they think I’ve just written down something unnecessarily crude about one of the 20th century’s greatest monsters – if they even know who Hitler is? Well, whatever they think, the fact I remember gives the second stage of Major Minor’s Majestic March a very lewd and subversive feel.”

A preview of Nana-On Sha’s latest game from E3’s tiny (and lame) show floor!

“Well now. The original Arkanoid was (and far more blatantly than Space Invaders) inspired by the original Breakout, only in this case the difference was – to put it charitably – “subtle”. That’s not to say that the things that Arkanoid added aren’t appreciable – moving enemies, power-ups and even bosses were all added to the original design to spice up what was otherwise a clone – but the series hasn’t stuck in our minds the way Space Invaders has.”

The second part of my diptych of reviews of Tatio’s franchise re-inventions. Arkanoid DS is so poor that when I first played it I was nearly physically sick. I’m not even joking! I think it was the realisation that I was painfully bored and was forcing myself to be so by continuing to play the game – and my body just revolted against whatever small part of my brain kept me playing.

Thankfully, I need never play it again.

“Hey! Did you know that Space Invaders was originally inspired by Breakout? I didn’t – until I looked at Space Invader’s Wikipedia page in a desperate attempt to come up with an interesting fact to begin this review.

As it turns out, it’s not only a suitable theme for this intro, but I can use it to link to the Arkanoid DS review too. Thanks Wikipedia!”

I’m pretty sure that all journalists, not just the lazy ones, use Wikipedia the minute they want to find anything out. If you’re a good journalist, you’ll bother to find a second source for whatever you find out, so I really think there’s no shame in it.

In other news, Space Invaders Extreme is very good indeed.

“It’s nostalgia that binds me to the Contra series. Since I first played ‘Gryzor’ in a caravan park’s amusement arcade in the late ’80s I’ve been a fan of the series, enjoying a great Amstrad CPC port, the brilliant 16-bit Probotector titles and then gritted my teeth through 13 years of terrible Contra games.

Thankfully, Contra 4 has been produced by California-based Wayforward Technologies (developer of Sigma Star Saga and, er, Ping Pals) with an eye on faithfully recreating the feel of the original Contra titles. They’ve succeeded in doing so, but whether that’s truly a good thing or not is debatable.”

I wish I liked Contra 4 more than I do, but once I wrote the review I put it down and haven’t picked it back up again. On normal difficulty it just feels unfairly hard rather than a rewarding challenge, which (for me) is a stark difference from previous Contra titles.

“This is really a release made for, and by, Castlevania fans. If you don’t think much of the series, this isn’t going to change your mind. I wouldn’t think much of it either if it only included the remake, but the tip-top ports of the original Rondo of Blood and Symphony of the Night bump the score up a couple of marks easily.”

As I say in the review, I really don’t rate Rondo of Blood. To be completely honest, I don’t even think Symphony of the Night is “all that.” However, if you want (and are willing go to the trouble of unlocking) them, you really couldn’t go wrong with this collection.

“If you’d feel better playing gun games with a controller that’s more like a gun (as some players like to play golf games with a controller that’s ‘more like a golf club’, though we still think they’re mental) Link’s Crossbow Training is a nice little extra but, whatever you do, don’t pick up a Zapper just for the game – but with Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles, House of the Dead II & III, and Ghost Squad just around the corner, there are a few good reasons to pick it up anyway.”

A judgment on the Wii Zapper and Link’s Crossbow Training as a bundle. I quite like the Wii Zapper, stupid bit of plastic that it is, as it does just feel more like shooting a gun than using the Wii Remote on its own. Link’s Crossbow Training is a waste of a pack-in, though. I’d rather they’d just knocked $5 off the price.

Nintendo could get up off their arse and release Duck Hunt for the Virtual Console now, I think. I’m well aware it would require some pretty major new code to get it to work with the Wii Remote, but frankly, a brief glimpse of the ducks in Wii Play Shooting Range just isn’t good enough.

“Mario Party 8. Eight Mario parties! That’s a lot of cake, streamers and mini sausage rolls over the years, and that’s with fudging the numbers; there was also the poorly received Mario Party Advance, plus an e-Reader card game and an arcade installment that were never released here. With that in mind, the first Mario Party to hit the Wii had better do something pretty special to make it worthwhile if you’ve already purchased one already – especially considering you probably already own about 5 mini-game collections for the Wii, anyway.”

I go on to explain that it doesn’t do anything special, for anyone under any illusion that the latest Mario Party title is worth a punt. It isn’t. It’s an absolute dog.

“Carcassonne is a solid game in the Xbox 360’s online multiplayer line-up, but if you’re in the market for a board game designed by a German with a title that begins with the letter C, it’s probably not quite as worthy of a purchase as Catan.”

I think this is a fair enough review as long as you remember that reviews are unavoidably subjective – Carcassonne is quite good, but I personally don’t like the core game as much as Catan. I do really like that it’s perfectly playable offline and with only 2 players, though.

“Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree is a difficult sort of title for a video game reviewer to approach. Okay, sure, it has many of the trappings of a traditional video game; medals for playing well, a multiplayer mode, it comes in a box on a disc that you put into a console, that sort of thing. But as part of Nintendo’s ‘Touch Generations’ line-up, it’s probably as uncomfortable with me using the term ‘game’ to describe it as I am. The difference is, of course, is that Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree probably thinks of itself as ‘lifestyle software,’ I think of it as the digital equivalent of a dog-eared primary school maths book.”

This is a case where I really think the review says it all – as it should, I suppose. Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree is utterly pants, and particularly worth ignoring if you’ve already got the original on Nintendo DS.

“I’ve got a big idea, readers. Why don’t we all get together and declare that we’ve had enough of the same old clichés that lazy Japanese RPG developers like to foist upon us, eh? Just draft up a nice letter, get someone to translate it, and send it off to “All videogame developers, Japan.” I’m sure it’ll get to someone. And viola! No more amnesiac heroes with a vague but important secret. No more precocious young lads from tiny villages who turn out to be the chosen one. And no more heroes that stand mute, while their companions talk and the plot progresses around them.”

It’s interesting to note that even with the traditionally argumentative Eurogamer readership, there’s not a single comment in defense of Japanese RPG clichés. Offhand, there is an argument that the kind of clichés I’ve mentioned suffer not from overuse but from simply never being used in interesting ways, but, you know, I don’t buy it. They need to be put to bed for a pretty long time.