After reading Boyd’s description of his relationship with his ex-girlfriend as a game of Doom II played on Nightmare mode, are you struggling for that perfect simile to describe your relationship with that certain someone? Well look no further! Our scientific team have come up with 52 perfect descriptions, from lovely to awful, to fit any situation that suits. And so:
Our relationship is like…
1. Killer 7. I don’t understand what you’re saying, and I don’t even know who I am any more.
2. Resident Evil 4. I’m protecting you from all the world’s evils, and you won’t even let me look at your pants.
3. Super Mario Kart. I’m sabotaging the progress of others to reach the rainbow road.
4. Tetris. Shit keeps piling up.
5. Bust A Move. You keep bursting my bubble.
6. Rayman: Raving Rabbids. I’m being put through a series of bizarre trials with little hope of success.
7. Red Steel. I’m just waving my hands in the air and nothing is happening.
8. Harvest Moon. I must always tend our crops to reap a magical harvest.
9. The Sims. Everything keeps breaking down.
10. Shadows of the Colossus. The cost is so great, I’m not sure I even want it any more.
11. Nintendogs. We never really go anywhere, and all I do is clean up your shit.
12. Super Mario Bros. I keep hitting my head against the ceiling and falling down holes.
13. Katamari Damacy. I want to roll you up into my life.
14. The Legend of Zelda. We just keep doing the same things over and over again, just in slightly different ways.
15. Animal Crossing. All my letters and gifts won’t guarantee that you’ll stay.
16. Silent Hill. I’ve never got a clear view of things.
17. Guitar Hero. We have poor timing.
18. Hotel Dusk: Room 215. You never answer a question straight.
19. Sonic The Hedgehog. I’m always running blindly into danger, and I never seem to have any rings for you.
20. Lemmings. I’m trying to save it, but I really just want to hit the nuke button.
21. Dance Dance Revolution. I keep tripping over myself.
22. Chibi Robo. I can never get our house clean.
23. World of Warcraft. I think I’m having fun, but it’s really just a grind.
24. Track and Field. I never seem to rub your buttons fast enough.
25. Gears of War. Even with all my macho posturing, you still don’t take me seriously.
26. Paper Mario. Some people might think it’s flat and lifeless, but they’re not looking at it from the right angle.
27. Kirby’s Dream Land. No matter how hard I suck, I can’t get you all in my mouth.
28. Paperboy. You don’t want what I’m trying to deliver.
29. Wario Ware. Every three seconds, it changes.
30. Wii Sports. It was fun at first, but now my shoulders hurt.
31. Ico. You’re completely helpless, and I’m sick of dragging you around everywhere.
32. Trauma Center: Under the Knife. The operation that would be required to save it is utterly ludicrous.
33. Parappa the Rapper. Perfect rhythm, bright colours.
34. Super Princess Peach. I’m pushing all your emotional buttons, but you’d rather I just left you alone with your vibe-scepter.
35. Grand Theft Auto. I think it’s full of possibility, but you’ll only let me progress if I do it your way.
36. Tie Fighter. I’m having more fun being the bad guy.
37. Punch-Out. I hit you a lot, but you never seem to go down for me.
38. Electroplankton. I’m never going to have anything to show for my time.
39. Mortal Kombat. I used to think you were so cool. Now I have no idea what I was thinking.
40. Ghouls and Ghosts. Punishing.
41. Bomberman. My plans always seem to blow up in my own face.
42. Oregon Trail. It’s dying of dysentery.
43. Street Fighter II. Once you start slapping me, I don’t know what to do to make you stop.
44. Ultima VII. You think I’m a symbol of perfection, but really I’m a sociopathic, thieving bastard.
45. Metal Gear Solid. You just won’t shut up.
46. Pokemon. I’m supposed to be your best friend, and yet you keep throwing me into battles against my will.
47. Final Fantasy. No matter what we go through, we’re fully refreshed after a good night’s sleep.
48. Pro Evolution Soccer. It’s the same thing every time I come back, but it seems to get worse as we go on.
49. Space Invaders. We’ve got a lot of fond memories of it, but we can’t go back.
50. Pac-Man. You keep stuffing your face and trying to avoid old ghosts.
51. Crackdown. I feel like Superman.
52. Duke Nukem Forever. I don’t think it’s ever going to start, is it?
None of these suit? Add your own in the comments!
52 Gaming Similes To Describe Your Relationship was written by Mathew Kumar and Kate Dickson. They’re in a relationship (and we’re not going to tell you which game describes it best.)
[Art by Benjamin Rivers.]