“So the question that usually comes with any film starring a WWE Wrestler is: ‘is it a Mr. Nanny or a They Live?’ With The Marine, WWE champion John Cena’s first big screen role, the question is: ‘did screenwriter Michelle Gallagher secretly construct the film as a tribute to the mid-’80s Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle (and funniest movie of all time) Commando?’”

What’s this, you may ask? Well, it’s the first of hopefully many film reviews for Exclaim! Magazine, a monthly music paper that bills itself as “Canada’s Music Authority”, and probably is! Like the NME or something but not rubbish and not weekly.

So you might go on to ask, “Why on earth would you review The Marine on DVD, Mathew?” Well the review explains! Essentially I just wanted 300 words to try and convince people to see Commando, which, not merely the funniest movie of all time, may be the culmination of all of humanity’s work. It’s just that excellent. ["If Matrix were here, he'd laugh too." - Ed.]